anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
