I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
