Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
