So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
