If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
