so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
