Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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