Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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