I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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