I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
