Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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