she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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