I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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