the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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