By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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