The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
