There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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