May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
