You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
