I just saw a hot homeless man
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
