apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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