guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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