After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Randomize
