Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
