Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Drunk is a universal language darling
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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