Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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