Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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