she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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