I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
3pm strippers are depressing
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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