Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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