No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
