he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
