it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You need Xanax blowdarts
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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