Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
