I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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