There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Randomize
