I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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