Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
FUCK WHALES
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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