dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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