9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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