when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
