Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
