Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
