Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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