Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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