Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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