She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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