remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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