I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
