This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
