Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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